Worst enemy

After a very long time of struggling and denial and a lot of recent self-revalations and acceptance and a ton of "click" moments, I came to finally understand and admit that I was my own worst enemy. For years now so many people have hurt me and tried to bring me down for various reasons and yet no matter what anyone did to me, I was always the worst bully to myself. Even though many things have been done to me, I LET it get to me. I LET people hurt me and bring me down because I thought I deserved it and that it would make me hurt in a way I couldn't do to myself. I craved the pain thinking that at least I was feeling something instead of the numb emptiness inside. And that even about a month ago if a car were barreling torwards me, I would have let it hit me, because I thought it was what would help me. That it was what I deserved. I didn't let myself feel happiness or love because I was too afraid to open up and get hurt. But then I realized that the most important person you need to open up to and let in, other than God....is yourself. That until you love yourself, learn who you are, and accept yourself for the way you were made and who you are that it's going to be very hard to love someone else and let others in. Because how can you let someone in when you deny yourself access? It's okay to feel pain and hurt when something happens. But don't let it eat away at you and don't dwell on it. If you lost someone you love, rememeber all of the happy memories and times you had with them. If you lost something that you worked so hard on, then remember the journey you took making it and the amazing feeling of accomplishment. If you lost a job or a home or important piece in your life, then remember the good and know that it is possible to start over again. But the only way that can happen is if you stand up and keep moving guys. I know it may seem like the world is falling apart and that your stuck in mud and can't move on and it will take time, but its' so so very possible! Don't ever give up guys no matter how hard it gets, things can't always stay bad and WILL get better.
If you have any self-harm issue, or want bad things to happen to you, or any eating problems, or suicidal thoughts, I beg that you please first seek professional help, but know that if you want to get better, you can. No one in the world can help you get better if you don't want to. Depression and other mantal illnesses are a phisical problem, yes. But there are so many things you can do to fight the mental side of the problem now and at home or where ever you are.
First, recognize and be willing to admit that you're your own worst bully and that no matter how much bullies or hate you get, that you need to fix yourself first. Think of all of your problems as a pond and then imagine throwing a rock in it. The place it lands is the core problem and all of the ripples that come out are the other problems in life. But before you can fix what's going on around you and in your life, you have to work on yourself. You can't help a sinking boat if you're falling apart yourself.
Then next step is to erase and get rid of anything and everything bad and negative in your life and in your MIND. The mental side is the hardest but for example, if you're constantly reading and seeing bad pictures in your Insta/Facebook/social-media feed all day, it's not going to help you at all. No matter how much it might seem like it doesn't trigger you at all (and it might truely not) but you do not need that in your life. Is it helping you? Benifiting you? Healing, supportive, encouraging? If it is not helping you then dis-associate yourself from it. I know this may be hard if you're in a bad job, living space, etc, but try to get rid of any and all that you can. Only do what you can without making things worse (like quitting a bad job or such).
From there you can then surround yourself with encouraging, uplifting, and helpful things in life (on your phone, heome decor, books, movies, etc). Anything positive, happy or will help you. From there, it makes things SO much easier. What you surround yourself with will influence you so much. So bring things in to your life that will heal and not hurt.
Now that you've done the best to erase the bad from around you, do the same to your mind. Block any and all bad thoughts and if one threatens to come in, think of something encouraging or sing an upbeat song. If you need something more, watch a happy movie, read a good book, listen to uplifting music. If you listen to break-up and sad music all day how are you going to feel? If you listen to something happy and upbeat and encouraging how are you going to feel? Surround yourself with good. And then it makes fighting the mental side, so much easier. It won't be easy or a smooth ride from there because you're going to want to go back to old habits and fall back to what you're known. But always ask yourself, is it helping me? If not, then you're probably better off without. Always question things and double check. You're more likely to walk into something bad if you don't know what's going on and didn't ask questions.
Push any and all bad thoughts out of your head and anytime you crave to do something harmful go and do something productive (eg. work out/exercise, write a long-hand letter to a friend, talk a walk out in nature, etc). But get moving. If you're idle and bored you're more likely to do something harmful just because you have nothing to keep you occupied and to stop yourself and have the self-control to walk away. But you can get through this. Whatever you're going through it won't last forever. I promise no matter how bad things are or how cliche it sounds, things always get better. They do. Seeing where I am now, happy and at peace with myself and life (granted it's not easy and I struggle but I'm getting there ;)), and looking back on where I used to be, a dark place I wish upon no one including even my worst enemies, I can honestly promise that things get better. Yes, things will come up in life. That's a part of life. God throws hurdles at us and it's up to us if we pick up our feet and jump or just sit down and give up. You never know what tomorrow will hold and the opportunities you may discover unless you wake up and get out of bed and get over the next hurdle. God gives us the bad in life to make us better people and challenge who we are and make us stronger. He will never give you something He knows you can't handle. And things are only as hard as you make them. We can change our perspective in life and stand up and fight and make things easier. There are three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got.
As for me, I choose the last.

Would you guys like for me to end each post with a scripture verse that I've read or loved recently? Or just one I think would relate to the topic or would be inspirational?

Thank-you again for reading guys. Always remember I'm here for you and if you need to talk, feel free to reach out to me!